Recently, Millard Fillmore popped in for a visit. If you didn’t know, he was our thirteenth president. Apparently, he was unaware of his accomplishments, and came in to give a little speech.

I make Jim Riswold horny. Upon asking “Who was Willard Fillmore?” Mr. Riswold demanded that I write a report about myself. I think Mr. Riswold was offended that I didn’t know the slightest tidbit about an Adonis like yours truly, and sent me to take a long hard look in the mirror, and reflect on what I had done.  

Starting from the beginning,

I was born at the turn of the 19^th century, when America was in a precarious position. The country was fresh out of the box, the frontier was open, states were appearing, and women thought puffed sleeves were a good look. It was a weird time of adventure and discovery.

 I wasn’t handed an upright education like the spoiled brats of today’s political scene. I took several apprenticeships in my father’s trade (Clothmaking), eventually landed a job as a clerk, and ended up studying law.

A few years later, the people of New York elected me to their general assembly. ­­­­Despite being a fairly prolific man, I avoided the limelight, and readily gave credit to others. I was a member of the anti-masonic party, which erected itself to combat the oligarchical power of the freemasons. Later on, I joined the Whig party, a party that everyone knows about because we wore those ridiculous wigs. Aside from the rugs, we did a lot of good things for the country, like opposing tyrannical maniacs and an aristocratic government.

I sound great, huh? A real zero to hero story. Well, actually, nobody elected me president. I was the Vice President to Zachary Taylor, and when Zachary Taylor croaked, I became chief. Once in office, I signed the Fugitive Slave Act, a suicidal and very uncool move. The law gave slave owners the right to send bounty hunters up north to claim their escaped property. I wasn’t a fan of slavery, but saw it as a necessary evil in the prevention of the inevitable southern secession.

The Fugitive Slave act contradicted my anti-oligarchical attitudes, thus, nobody could understand my politics, thus, I wasn’t re-elected. I continued my life as a regular Joe-sixpack, but can’t remember since nobody wrote about my later years. 

Thanks Millard!